Tuesday, April 5, 2011

And so I ran

I chose this image because I want to run with the same wonder and joy as a child would.
I want to channel the inner running child.

It was an anxious day riddled with a headache that wouldn't quit.  On more than one occasion I thought that a horrible headache would be a perfectly acceptable excuse to break my promise to myself.  Surely no one would judge me for that.  But I just couldn't do it again; I am so done with breaking promises to myself.  I dressed in my jogging clothes 4 hours before Mike's arrival home at which point I would, without hesitation, leash Soma and slip out the door before I could think of another reason not to.  

I played my spring anthem and walked at a swift pace until I reached the trail that runs along the water.  I took a deep breath, and promised to not be too hard on myself deciding that I wouldn't likely make it to green bridge {a place I was hard-pressed to reach in previous running attempts}.  And then I ran.  

Slow and steady.  I lost my breath and then found it again.  I remembered the waves and I rode them steadily.
I ran like I always do in my dreams and sailed past the green bridge.  I finally slowed to a walk at the iron trestle more because Soma and I became a little tangled and I talked myself into it.  At that point I realized that it is the self talk that makes or breaks a runner.  {Well, this runner anyway}

I continued to surprise myself and delighted in watching the ducks and red winged black birds.  I marveled at how the sunlight seemed to shatter and scatter across the water's surface.  I had to stop once and take out my ear phones to answer the moving lips and expectant stare of a stranger.  Perhaps I am too friendly?

The high from that single run lasted well into the night and I took secret pleasure in my aching muscles which seemed especially bruised around my c-section scars.  I felt like I was finally healing myself and taking back my body.  I am constantly amazed by the resiliency of a woman's body, by what can take us down, and by what can make us finally heal.  I was reminded of an interview with a ballerina I had heard on CBC Radio years ago.  She was asked how she found dancing after her return from maternity leave and her answer surprised me as I was in the heavy dull days of my first pregnancy.  She said her body was stronger and her endurance was even greater. I didn't believe her then, but I do now.  I have always strived to be fit {sometimes with success and sometimes without} but I have never been an athlete and by no stretch of the imagination was I ever a runner.

I looked forward to my Sunday morning run and talked myself over the waves and panicky moments in which I lost my breath and pace by reminding my body that if I could make two human beings and keep them alive with no sleepand breast milk alone, surely to God I could do this.  And so I did it.

And I will do it again tonight.

go gently + be wonderful



  1. proud of you! Way to go girl. It's such a battle to stop listening to those inner naysayers.. and talk back with determination, beauty and courage.
    run on. ;o)

  2. I wholeheartedly approve of your spring anthem!!!
    Beautiful post!

  3. LOVE this and can so relate. run on, sister... i'm right behind you.

  4. Just found my way here from Rhythm of the Home, and so glad I did! Oddly enough, I re-started running on Sunday morning, think I heard the same interview on CBC... nice to meet you. :)

  5. I had to go back to see how I got here (ROTH) but I am so glad I came over. Instantly, I felt at home in your little space. I will be visiting very often. :)

  6. good for you :)
    i think raising children is the hardest thing in the world, so maybe everything else seems a little easier by comparison?

  7. Yay! That is really inspiring.

  8. This post is great - I am printing it and posting it to inspire my return to running. I just started after four years of pregnancies and young children. Thanks for the inspiring words.

  9. Found you through Rhythm of the Home, and SO glad I did! You have a beautiful blog and writing style.

    I started running regularly last May, but quit upon the cold weather in January; your post is just the push I needed to say that tomorrow I will begin again. Thank you.

  10. Such great writing and I LOVE your spring anthem. I started running about 6 weeks ago and you describe it so poetically; I'll try to remember some of your words the next time I'm running out of steam ("Slow and steady. I lost my breath and then found it again"). Like others, found your blog through rhythm of the home and I'm glad I did.

  11. Like a meditation, running. Glad you enjoyed your mama time.

  12. this is so beautiful. thank you. i have been on the brink of grieving what seems to be a past, and lost, sense of strength in my body. i thought somehow, with not having children until i was 36, that now age has just caught up with me and it's time to just let the decay happen. your running experience and thoughts are so inspiring and give me hope. bless.

  13. I so related to your ROTH article this past week. Type A and hippie? Are you talking about me?! ;)
    Being a mamma of young ones is so hard. Don't doubt yourself. (Although I know it is easier said than done.)
    Warmly, Nicola

  14. yo girl. i gave you a blogger award today on l&m. your second in a week, i think. you best get on it!!! we are coming for you..... you and all of your awesomeness.

  15. The hardest part is getting lacing up those shoes. The next hardest part is stepping out the door, followed by silencing those voices that torment and coerce...I've been there so many times. My mantra for everything now is: nothing is harder than birthing a baby, and I did that three times...so I can certainly do this! It's been hard getting out lately because of rain and blackflies...but really, they're just another excuse, aren't they? Thanks for the push.


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