apples with honey

My head hurts.

You see, this is what happens when I stop writing. I become so discombobulated that it is a somewhat painful detox and de-cluttering process to get me back to normal. Let me see if I can slow the internal garble that runs through my head every minute of every day lately...

Gotta get those leaf piles into the compost before the grass dies under them...is Poppy getting enough variety in her diet...I really hope I can focus on canning enough tomatoes for the winter months this year...we should stop using paper towels...I should make some paper towel replacements...I should really get back on the cloth diaper wagon and make or buy some reusable wipes while I am at it...I really should not be so lazy and hang the cloths to dry year round rather than just on the ideal days...I should really look into freelance writing, but who would want to read what I have to say...We need a new shower curtain...I really need to start my days with more intention...I need to start a morning ritual and stick with it...gotta pay the taxes soon...I wish we were in our forever home...God, I hate our tree cutting neighbours and hope they build a fence and leave us alone...I wish Mike didn't have to drive an hour to work everyday...am I reading enough to Poppy?...I need to fix the screen door...what will I make for supper?...Oh yeah, Poppy's doctor appointment...which vaccinations are we doing and which are we not?...Root canal...ultrasound...what if people don't like the names we picked out...I want some Doritos...Why the hell did I just eat those Doritos?...I really want to stop buying staple foods that I can make myself like breads and pasta and crackers...I should start cooking with dry legumes rather than the canned ones...I need to find some local eggs...we need some more queen size fitted sheets...must try to find some pretty vintage ones at value village...God I wish we had better thrift stores in Lindsay...Can't wait to get the railing on the deck...how much will it cost...are we going to be ok...of course we will be...I want to start making yummy breakfasts like Gramma used to make...crepes with plum jam...porridge with maple syrup, cinnamon and raisins...I should make more jam...but we always forget to eat it...I would really like to find a nice earth-based gratitude blessing for mealtimes...we watch too much online tv...at least we got rid of mind-numbing cable...I think we should try potty training Poppy as she has been giving physical signs of going these past few days...Holy good God, how does one train a toddler to pee and poop in a pot?...maybe we will try to elimination communication with the next one...maybe not...my head hurts...I should go to sleep...the house is messy...it is always messy...Cleaning Laura's house is so hard with Poppy, but we need the money...I hope the farmers' market goes well...what if no one likes me?...I need to make more of Poppy's clothes...I hate feeling judged about how we want to raise Poppy...mmmm cherry tomatoes!

Seriously. No wonder my head hurts.

I have come to the realization that the chaotic nature of my thoughts stems from me not yet finding my rhythm of being a stay at home mama. I feel as though I stumble through my days and end up feeling overwhelmed with the things I could have done more efficiently in my day. Thanks to conventional schooling and jobs I am surely not alone in feeling out of sorts when left to my own devices. An issue I know to work on now as we plan on homeschooling/unschooling our children and not knowing how to motivate and guide yourself through a day is not a lesson I want them to learn.

Without ritual I busy myself with the mundane household tasks until the day turns into night. Tasks such as laundry and dishes can, and do, have their meditative qualities, but not when we are too busy resenting them {which is something I am often guilty of}. Too many days have passed by without being fully explored, tasted, enjoyed, or thanked.

Some of you reading this may think I am being too hard on myself or even unrealistic, but I disagree. We are capable of a lot of things and can sell ourselves short with the excuses we eat up. I often think of what our grandparents lived through and accomplished and how far removed we are from that not always convenient, but {for me} much more rewarding life than this one filled with excess packaging, branding, processed, sprayed, and abused crap made in sweatshops and factory farms.

So I promise to make the following 3 changes to my days this week:

1) Find a meal blessing, write it out and do our best to say it at each meal
2) Begin each day with a homemade breakfast
3) Taking the time each morning to begin with intention by thinking of what I hope to accomplish, explore, or notice that day

e.