apples with honey

You may have noticed I have become quiet again.

I have been attempting to find balance in so many areas of our life; financially, emotionally, socially, and nutritionally.  The humidity mixed with 31 weeks of pregnancy forced me to take refuge inside the house with many fans blowing against the relentless heat while I entertained Poppy, read books, websites, and blogs and watched too many free episodes of Till Debt Do Us Part online.

All of this came after another disappointing day at the Farmers' Market.  I made two sales.  Twenty three dollars.  Our tent, which has only been used 5 times, is broken in 3 different places and nearly impossible to put up.  On the drive home we discussed our next step while covered in dust, raspberry juice, and sweat.  We thought we had realistic hopes for the Market bringing in a little extra each month for emergencies and savings, but it is proving otherwise.

It has brought me to the proverbial fork in the road.  Do I continue fussing and stressing over this tiny little business of craft in a feeble attempt to make more money?  Or, do I put my energy into making our home and budget a more sustainable one?  I often wish I could just enjoy being home with Poppy rather than stressing and fussing and becoming impatient as I try to make it all work.  It all seems to defeat the purpose of me being a stay at home mama when I feel so unavailable.  I love baking and knitting and making gifts and ruffling our little nest.  I would be happy to make bread and homemade pasta and every meal from scratch if it meant I could stop worrying about making more money.  As trite as it may sound, I am a homemaker, mama, and wife at heart.  It is my one true calling.  Anything else is unfulfilling and annoying.

We live a very simple sort of life.  We have no cable or cell phones.  We have one tiny 2002 car which is paid for and decent on gas.  All our furniture is second hand.  Our wedding cost about $1000 and our honeymoon was a couple of nights spent in Ottawa.  Our most extravagant trip was a road trip to Newfoundland 5 years ago where we were able to stay with Mike's mom for two weeks.  We are not incurring any further debt and have very good interest rates on our remaining {though significant] student loans.  Our credit card is the lowest limit we could get and pay it off the day we use it.  Mike has an hour-long commute each way to work which eats gas money and puts a lot on our aging car, but we won't be able to move for at least another 2 years.  If I go anywhere, I walk.  I make most of our meals (all since we implemented the meal plan of course).  We are bargain shoppers and love a good yard sale.

As you can see, we have very little fat to trim, but we do have some.  I went through our online banking statements with a fine tooth comb and got to work on our first real budget and meal plan just over a week ago.  July is a rough month as it has lined up with many extra bills and expenses while we are still recovering from the $1200 surprise car repair last month.  The dogs need their shots.  The tri-monthly water heater rental.  The tri-monthly hydro.  The tri-monthly utilities bill.  Not to mention the extra half {$600} mortgage payment we agreed to pay in order to switch to a more manageable semi-monthly payment plan.  A rough month indeed, but we are determined to stay on track.

We don't have extravagant tastes, but we tend to nickel and dime ourselves a bit.  We don't go out for fancy food, but we spend tiny amounts here and there on forgettable food that adds up to much more than a nice dinner out.  We don't buy expensive clothes, but we buy things we don't always love at the local thrift shops.  I am a firm believer that your don't need things to make you happy and we live in a crazy world of over-spending and too much stuff, but I do love to shop.

This brings me to my next lesson in balance.  Since we are recording and categorizing every penny we spend in a log book it makes one think about everything she buys or wants to buy.  I am still in the stage of the budget implementation where I feel a little sorry for myself.  I feel like I will never buy anything frivolous or beautiful again.  It is becoming clear to me that eating and shopping have filled some sort of void in my life.  I know, I know, so cliche right?  But it is true.  I am going through some sort of crazy withdrawal this week and I didn't even know it until I wrote that sentence.  I have been bitchy, irritable, anxious, impatient, and obsessive all week.  I feel all twisted and contorted inside and I am scrambling to find peace and steady ground again.  All I can do now is ride it out, wave after wave, until my irrational brain catches up with my rational brain and realizes less is more.  That there is much to be said about planning and waiting for those things we want.  That spending unnecessarily is the cause of my stress not of my peace.  That by living without some of these things allows me to be home.

So we are thinking about ways to save.  I have decided to stop pouring any new money into the crafting, but have signed up for three local craft shows over for this month and next.  We are giving the Market a couple more weekends and, depending, we may give it up altogether or drop our commitment to only 1 weekend per month.  We are looking into free things to do on weekends and planning on more hiking and outdoor activities for the future.  We take snacks where ever we go and eat before leaving the house.  We're doing it together and both feel hopeful.

I have no idea why I am being so candid, but I think I am tired of reading perfectly glossy blogs with the happy stay at home mama and homeschooled/unschooled babes.  They are popular and inspiring, but sometimes it is all a bit too much good and not enough real.  I am happy and I hold strong to my ideals, but it isn't easy.  Sometimes it would be nice to see the real side of things.  The struggles.  The blood and sweat that makes those households float.  How to find community when it seems there isn't one.  How to teach yourself to let go of perfection.  What drives you crazy.

The online world of natural, attachment parenting mamas seems to want to uphold this image of perfection.  Sewing by candlelight and having it all together.  Never losing patience with the constant demands and movement of children.  Happily washing smelly cloth diapers every second day and never admitting to want to use disposables.  I have found myself feeling more and more trapped by this image on a totally subconscious level.  I think that is why I have gone quiet and begun writing privately again.  I can't keep up appearances. 

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't give up being home with Poppy for one second.  I am utterly blessed that I get to stay home with her.  I am committed to our ideals and visions 100%.  That being said, it isn't always easy.  Being home requires that we give up many of the tiny extravagances we had.  I feel like tearing my hair out and have been known to cry along side her some days.  Despite constant cleaning, the house is a mess.  Despite our simple tastes we have limited money.  We live in a town that seems to be void of many kindred spirits.  The only fabric shop and yarn store in town closed this summer.  I hate our neighbours.  Our garden is a weedy mess.  The local library system has none of the books I am yearning to read for inspiration and tips on living sustainably and frugally.  I can't seem to find any non-religious unschooling groups in the area.  I am tired and sore and can't sleep because of the pain in my hips and the heartburn.  I swear too much and can't seem to find the patience to stop myself.  I spend too much time with myself, but ironically have no time for myself.  I want to do some freelance writing and have sent in a couple of submissions, but can't seem to find the right words or topics.  None of my clothes fit.  I feel like a beached whale.

I am not seeking an escape.
I am seeking balance.

I am seeking candid truth from other mamas.

I am seeking community.

I am seeking self-acceptance.



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