a marshmallow day

The house groans and yawns under the weight of thick snow and I am happy to have my little family together safe under one roof. I dream of warm spring days and wonder if we will be in our dream house by then, but for now I am content and happy in this little house in which we began our journey into a family. The home that has held us safe and warm for four and a half years. She is friendly and familiar though flawed.

Yes, I wander into thereness but surrender to today's hereness. Today the snow is glorious and winter is welcome to stay for just a little while longer.

pancakes
sewing (just a glimpse today, but full details tomorrow)
peanut butter chocolate chip cookies
letters of of gratitude
toys in the water dish
mismatched socks
a sleeping gnome
bouncy bird
yummy fabric
lentil soup
plaid jammie pants
the waltons

a good day in the house of the bird and gnome indeed.




go gently + be wonderful


e.

she carried them in her basket...

 

 Many years ago I was in a little store with my aunt when I came upon a little yellow tin that once held Erinmore Tobacco flakes.  It was a little bit rusty, a little bit scratched and perfect in every way.  As I tried to figure out a use for my found treasure, my aunt exclaimed that it should be my "God Box" and then happily explained its purpose to me.  It was simple; write your prayers on a piece of paper, fold it with love, place it in your pillowcase and let go + let god.

I am not what you would call a religious person, but I do believe in the power of prayer and this little tin has remained a meaningful part of my life.  It comes and goes and I will go months without knowing its whereabouts until I find it nestled between the wall and mattress, dust-covered, but still holding my last note of importance. Over the years, I have filled it with feathers and perfume oil; prayers and fears; letters and wishes and I have never been able to deny the sense of peace that washes over me once I surrender my folded notes to its rusted interior.

Now the only issue with having a tin in one's pillowcase is, well, having a tin in one's pillowcase.  So I came up with a softer solution which may just be to pretty to be stuffed into a pillowcase and may even earn a place of honour on a nightstand or dresser.

Lavender filled prayer pillows will be available in my soon to be re-opened etsy shop because everyone should have one of these pretties.

go gently + be wonderful

e.

breaking open

go gently + be wonderful

e.

suck it up buttercup

I am so grateful for the kind and strong words I received both in comments and in emails.  I drove it home to me that everything I am feeling, is normal and exactly what I signed up for.  Every single email and comment held a nugget of wisdom or comfort, but one email in particular came from a woman in Holland who has been reading my blog quietly until now and struck a deep chord with me.  Her words were gentle yet firm and reminded me of the bigger picture.  Here is a sample:

"...My best advice is to constantly connect to the gratitude of having these children that you wanted so much and that you love so much. That they are with you - safe and healthy, in your arms. To connect to the gratitude that you are able to stay home with them, when others sometimes are not able to afford that choice. To close your eyes and feel those blessings, even if only for a second or two. But do this constantly throughout the day..."

"...sometimes the only thing worth changing is your perspective..."

"...Finally, I would be gentle with your thoughts and your words. Instead of framing the question 'How do you keep from being swallowed by your children'?, frame it without the word 'swallow'. I'm a regular reader of your blog and your love for your children shines through all the way to Holland where I live, so I hope you know I'm trying to be helpful and not judgmental. Perhaps 'How do I replenish my energy levels while my children are so young?' If you reframe your thoughts without a word that could be construed negatively, it will make a difference..."

Perhaps it was her words in combination with the heartache and worry my brother in law and his girlfriend are facing as they wait to find out the fate of their third baby girl due in June.  I feel so foolish to think I have anything to complain about.  My children are perfect and healthy in every way. I have never once had to worry about their health.  It is quite foolish of me to think a 23 month old would do anything other than spray kidney beans into every last nook and cranny of the house or for a 4.5 month old to want anything more than to be held and shown his world.   I get to spend every waking moment of every day with their little arms around my neck or legs while other moms don't have the option.  We're moving to the country when this house sells because we have amazing family willing to help us out financially.  I get to dream about the crafty space and reading nooks I will create in our new home.  I think about what we will name our chickens and what we'll plant in the garden.  My husband is a wonderful provider, a gentle man, and an ever-present husband and father.

My goodness I am a fool to think my life is anything less than charmed.


Granted, I will still have my days, but lets move on shall we.  There are crafts to be made, books to be read, husbands to be loved, kids to be played with, silly dances to be danced, shoes to be sewn, a house to be sold, weight to be lost, and bread to be baked. 

Time to come out of the post-partum fog and move on.




enough is enough.


go gently + be wonderful
e.

trying to be still

I miss writing.
I need to write.
Whether my words are quickly typed onto a flashing screen, hammered into pulpy white paper on my typewriter or sprawled out in my own messy script, writing holds sanity in its palm.

I miss a lot of things that tend to keep me sane...photography, baking, sewing, knitting, reading...

We had a lovely holiday filled with family and homemade peppermint bark; jammies and baking; late nights and eating with reckless abandon.

As cliche as new year resolutions can be, it always seems a fitting time for rebirth and renewal.  I try to ignore the fact that everyone is looking at the nutritional info of every item on every shelf of every grocery store and that we, in fact, are not all that original in our healthy lifestyle goals.  With toxic bellies and dull skin, we're hungover from the rich and the dense; the butter and the sugar.

With that comes my second resolution...
I am still struggling to find my breath as a mama of two.
Peace and joy are elusive creatures and I  don't know how much longer I can stand it.
I hold myself to high ideals as a parent.  Not because a book has told me to, but because I believe it to be right.  Sometimes these ideals make me weary and weepy.
I have quickly learned that when I am anywhere but in the moment my day can crumble.
The days are long and as the inky night creeps into the house I am very aware of how little I have left to give.  I take a deep breath and one look at the (finally) slumbering Gnome + Bird, recover quickly, and send up a little prayer to start again tomorrow with soft eyes and gentle words.
Begin again.  Begin again.  Begin again.

As mind-numbing as it is, my days are better spent rolling with the punches.
My hair is a tatty mess and I haven't slept 8 straight hours since sometime in 2008.  I wear jogging pants 90 percent of the time.
Silas is happiest when constantly held and Poppy is happiest when making a mess or destructing something.
I have implemented a quiet time everyday after lunch, but Poppy has made it clear she has no interest in naps so she uses the time to tear apart the bedroom while I attempt to read and Silas squeals and hollers.
This morning alone, the dog ate my carefully crafted breakfast while I was changing a blowout diaper, dry kidney beans have been sprinkled around the entire house (I thought I would offer the textural experience of the beans, but like everything else, it turned into an awesome opportunity to make a giant mess), Poppy has played drums with two wooden spoons on Silas' head when I turned my back for 5 seconds and then proceeded to smack him again just as I got him settled from the drumming incident.  Even as I write this Poppy slams the laptop lid down on my hands.
I don't even attempt an activity I love or need because it is too difficult for me to stop midway without feeling resentful or annoyed.
So I wait.
I have very little support throughout the week as our small extended family lives far away; it is all me, all day so I am learning to pace myself and forgive myself.
I realize that this parenting plan is in no way sustainable, but these days are about survival and surrender.
Until then I am one hundred percent available.  I didn't have kids because I thought it would be easy or convenient and no one could talk me into letting go of my parenting ideals.  I do realize that to be a good mama, I need to be good to myself as well.  Doing it with resentment is not good for anyone.  One of the ideals I hold is to teach my children how to foster the authentic self; how to set boundaries; the ebb and flow; when to give and when to take. When I figure that all out I will let you know.

Did I mention that we found our dream house in the country.  On a bit of a whim we listed our house and will be putting a conditional offer in.  Yet another daunting task that makes me feel powerless and frustrated (but so worth it if it all works out).  I have that breathless feeling you have at the top of a rollercoaster or that quiet moment you are suspended on the swing just before you descend.  That moment when time seems to slow or stop and you think about all the possible outcomes and all your fears surface.  I seem to be waiting for something, but can't name it.  Spring?

It is all about growth and flow.
And beginning again.

How do you do it? 
How do you keep from being swallowed by your children?
I would like to hear your words.

go gently + be wonderful

e.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

structure gives way to freedom



Who doesn't want a comfy reading basket?

 Since Silas only likes to sleep when on me and I am limited to what I can do with a baby strapped to my torso, I have been doing a lot of reading up on Waldorf play areas, ways to implement ritual,routine, music and peace to our home and days.  I am not one to conform entirely to one belief, but I find myself taking from it what resonates with me and mixing it with whatever else feels right.



Small wooden dish holding treasures of the Newfoundland beaches

 I have been inspired to go through our tiny house with a fine tooth comb and purge.  I am a bit of a pack rat by nature and struggle with letting things go.  But one wonderful thing about having a small home with no garage or basement to hide our sins is that it forces you to be picky about what we allow in.  Every time I felt myself clinging to certain items I knew I didn't love I would remind myself of the rule that states if it isn't beautiful, loved or functional it needs to be released.  I also reminded myself that in order to make room for the beautiful, vintage items I love I had to let go of the items I didn't love. We now have empty drawers and shelves and the energy is less stagnant with every item released and room organized.



I have no idea where the Christmas Tree will be going in our tiny living room... 

  The play area was the most recent target.  I found that Poppy's play area was the only area left untouched by her at the end of the day.  The baskets were too deep.  There were too many toys.  Most of her books were on a bookshelf in another room.   So I purged and brought in another low bookshelf.  I kept the items made with love, wood, wool and other natural elements and stored away the few battery operated toys.

Some of my favourite things include the chalkboard and chalk ready to be used, the reading basket, the mini apron found in Gramma's house now hanging on the side of her play kitchen, the kitchen being another favourite item made by a friend of the family as an alternative to paying ridiculous shipping from American companies making similar items.  I love the way it glows in the light of a tiny lamp at night and am happy to report Poppy has played and rooted around here non-stop.  I can assure you it looks nothing like this after a couple of minutes, but when everything has its own basket or shelf, clean up is easy with a little tidy-up song.



Smooshy, but cozy and sweet

  Through a lot of self examining and thought, I have realized just how important order, structure and routine are to my own peace as well as that of my children.  I read somewhere that when a child would become unruly or angry in a Waldorf classroom the teacher would begin tiding the child's personal area {dishes, mat, toys, etc}and I couldn't help but think how nice it would be if someone would do that for me when I become "unruly".  I have often wondered at those who say children love order as Poppy's favourite thing to do is make a giant mess with everything out of its place including cushions, blankets, furniture, toys, blocks and books.  I keep putting things in their place to restore my own peace and hope it has a positive effect on Poppy too; however subtle.

 We are far from perfect or even avid Waldorf followers, but it has given me some relief as my dual personalities {Type A vs the Hippie}battle it out.  Routine and structure can not only coexist with creativity and freedom, but it is impossible {for me personally}to have one without the other.



All of her books are now organized and at her level for easy access




multitasking

 In other news, I dug out a tiny tin of simple paints I found when we were cleaning out my Gramma's house after her passing. I seem to remember using this very tin of paints as a child at her kitchen table.  I have found I have my most creative ideas when I lay in bed late at night so I have been creeping down the stairs at night after my loves are alseep.

I love watercolours.  I would someday love to make something technical and beautiful with watercolours, but until then I will be happy with the primitive little creations I have been making late at night.  They are simple and completely inspired by prints found on Etsy, but the act of putting a loaded brush to paper is therapeutic and totally for me.

Here are a few I may put in frames and add to our walls...


Inspired by a print found on Etsy




My dream home {just need some more trees, some chickens and a garden}




Completely inspired by a print on Etsy.


Next project is to create an adult sized version of the reading basket;  a peaceful comfortable nest with soft light and beautiful things.

go gently & be wonderful


e.

p.s. Please forgive my disjointed writing as I write between diaper changes, naps, hugs, playing, swaying, nursings, and the such.  Needless to say, I lose my train of thought frequently.